is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
