Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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