You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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