I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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