When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
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What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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