Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
