Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
