Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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