Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
