xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I believe in your delicious
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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