Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
