i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
