I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Dear god my vagina.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
