Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
