Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
