i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
