i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
