My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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