So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
