So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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