We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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