so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
