i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
