I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
