shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
