I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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