I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
