swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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