My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
