when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
