okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
