I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
