after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
