An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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