i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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