Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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