Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
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His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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