The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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