I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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