Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
