i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
and you fell through a lawn chair
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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