In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
