respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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