how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
