Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
