are you still at the devil's house?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
