you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
