How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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