I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm getting married
To pizza
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
