i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
