I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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