Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
