Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
