Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
