She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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