I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
