K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
