My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
