Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
