Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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