i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
